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listening to death

this series is who breathed life into this website. this deserves honor.

come along onto a deeply spiritual journey into the great beyond – evocative and permissive of the full breadth of human experience / feeling / expression.

in one sentence: i predict my death for six months to the world, and die alone.

i was/am suffering of incredibly intense pain. i have been my whole life, though i never had the safety / space to face it. no one knew my struggles due to the invisible nature of my trauma / disability / conditions / highly masking autistic mind.

i am not alone in this experience, though it feels impossible to describe to those who don’t already understand.

these journal entries were my attempt. furthermore, an attempt to build support for myself and start healing. i figured – if i could just shout my problems loudly enough, surely people would come help me!

i don’t know the truth / wrongness of the statement but it didn’t work for me. partially because i ran out of steam to post after only 4 entries, and partially because i was trapped within the confines of a prison of the mind – pushing people away even as i desperately reached out for support. ( another wound lingering from my former tormenters / abusers )

unfortunately, i needed to hit rock bottom before i could fully let people in. this being said, there ARE people out there who get it and could’ve offered the help i needed. i just wasn’t involved in any of those communities, or at least not enough.

so. watch me grapple with the intensities of my pain / feelings / sensations while attempting to navigate the inner / outer nuances of learning what i need, how to ask for help, and how to accept it.

watch me work through big feelings, find myself, dream of a brighter future, and grapple with my impending mortal end as i continued to struggle to maintain a normal life.

content warnings on every post for emotional safety.