I can’t remember feeling gratitude really. I’m trying to recall the last time… that I was really grateful where it stood out… and I’m coming up short. Now is this because I have a terrible memory, or because there simply aren’t instances to remember; it feels like the latter. I can express gratitude fairly easily; I know the components of showing it and impressing on others that you are truly grateful… but it’s always a little effortful. Genuine gratitude is not something I remember. Is it the lack of care/interest in general?.. why would I be grateful for something I’m apathetic/neutral towards. For me it’s more like the experience happens and that’s that, life goes on. Maybe the bad memory contributes towards lasting gratitude because the act fades quickly… I know I should be grateful, and I try to show it, but I just sort of acknowledge it in my head, store it in that person’s file, I don’t know. Maybe part of it is that I consider myself a pretty giving person and don’t really expect much in return, so why should it be different for them, even though I know it is. But that’s the definition of a gift for me, given for the sake of giving it or for that person’s happiness, with not strings attached, no expectations, freely given. I do things for people and I guess evaluate over time whether they treat me well in general, whether they’re a good friend. If yes, then keep on giving/put effort into finding gifts. If no, well, not so much effort. I have to give myself worth, and I am worth good friends, so a

bad friend is not someone I want to put effort towards or invest in. But if something’s not out of the way, might as well do it to brighten someone’s day. Like sending people happy birthday messages/nice/happy inspiring/etc on imgur. It’s out of a desire to make others happy, to make a difference I guess, because sometimes it only takes the smallest of signs for someone’s attitude to completely change for the positive, or at least take a step in the right direction. But what does it do for me? I don’t feel particularly good sending all those positive vibes, I guess I do it for the interaction’s sake, for that social stimulation I need. But being responded to isn’t even fulfilling, it just provides a brief distraction, something to obsess over. Now I think I can say definitively that seeing/making the people I love happy makes me happy. But with these random people I don’t know on the internet it doesn’t do much for me except to form good habits/it makes sense logically to err on the side of positivity. But maybe it’s because it’s through text instead of in person, I need to witness it for it to really mean something. Again, this is a little less true with those I love, but still stands. I want to be grateful for things, just like I want to care for things. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I feel like sometimes it’s apparent that I’m just going through the motions of gratitude, but it is a burden. I guess I don’t want expectations.

—may twentyone twothousandzerohundredsfourteen