content warning
actual death
heinous / tragic treatment by medical facilities
bleak portrayal of our medical system
usage of marijuana

intentions
put this story down
move on to grander pastures
look back in sheer ridiculous humor
be seen in struggles
shine a light on hidden oppression
lift those with less up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

series
listening to death
epilogue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

us died sunday july six twothousandzerohundreds twentyfive

to us

this is no big deal

us have made much peace

with death

contrary

to the western paradigm

held in

hospitals

emergency rooms

senior centers

retirement homes

suburban utopias

of castle after castle

the hearts

and

minds

of

the masses

us did not intend to die

us did not know what us was doing

pursuing

radiant

endless

joy

endless

could have been a clue

us have never been suicidal

us always love

and

crave

life

even

in the darkest moments

gratitude

shines

through

guiding

the way

home

us regulated fine within a few hours

and

yet

the hysteria around death

around my our death

the fear of life

of love

the lack of understanding

of change / growth / evolution / mess

led to great harm

needless suffering

us can now laugh at

with compassionate / understanding / forgiving love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my medical incarceration

i typed this out on my phone in the weeks after i got home from the treatment center while addled by mind-altering medication. i had roughly zero attention span for anything, i hardly felt alive, but for some reason typing on my phone was one of the few things i was actually able to do – even if it took a long time, even if i had to focus on one letter at a time, even if i ran out of steam after a paragraph – i could do it. slowly and surely i was able to cobble my story together. this effort was largely motivated by the fact that i had numerous people in my life congratulating me on receiving care, saying how proud they were of me getting help, choosing life, etc – none of whom knew any of the actual details – and all of whom were making me incredibly livid. so, each time i corrected their misunderstanding in a small way, i would add it to the longer narrative in my notes app. even if it is not “perfectly edited” or wanders around sometimes, i have left it largely intact in respect of this arduous writing process

another note: i was the most privileged person in the treatment center. i have resources, education, a vast network of people who care about me (even if i haven’t been able to get much support), friends and family willing to jump in and help, a stable home. as you read, think about the further horrors someone may face who is poor, isolated, unhoused, not white, or otherwise marginalized and disrespected by our society. i am truly grateful for this opportunity to see the darker side of our healthcare system first hand. i know that by telling my story, by using the power of my voice, i can shine a light on those less fortunate. there can be no change without awareness.

a few things must be acknowledged straight away. 

most importantly that i was non consensually medically incarcerated for 11 days. and that my therapist was never consulted, despite me asking for her to be called numerous times. she is of the same mind as me – that the way all this was handled is a tragedy.

i’ve always been very pro-med for everyone else but i had reservations for me. i am now pro-med for myself too to take an edge off my problems while i heal

to be perfectly clear, i think my situation was blown completely out of proportion. i dont know that i should have been given any meds at all, though i continue to take them dutifully.

on Sunday 7/6 I had a very spiritual meditative experience and briefly died. I sent a number of very urgent texts to close family/friends as well as asking my roommate to call the ambulance before i started convulsing and passed out again. he supported me through that half hour with hands on my back and words of encouragement. in a very positive way, he was almost completely unconcerned for me as he has lived a long life at almost 70 years old, been on many of his own spiritual journeys, and in his words – “though i wasn’t sure what, i could tell drew worked through something big that day.”

the ambulances arrived and I turned them away as I was feeling well on my way to stable. though shaky i was coherent, present, speaking, and deeply concerned what types of “treatment” they would give me while i wasn’t able to fully consent (rightfully so based on how the rest went down). afterwards i went and disappeared / laid down / regulated at a neighbor’s house i trusted to keep me safe from any further invasive healthcare professionals

the next day i was feeling much better until i started feeling scary symptoms again out of the blue. i didnt realize it at the time but i had a random interaction on the street that triggered me deeply and invoked a delayed panic attack – which i thought was me starting to die again. after my experience sunday i decided to play it safe, called the ambulance of my own volition, and entered their care

i have much long term chronic pain, and it was flaring higher and higher the longer i was in a stretcher and under fluorescent lights in the ER, so i requested to be taken outside to the grass and walked back inside when my pain lessened. this methodology is backed by science (grounding / earthing) and my lived experience. this request was denied, despite nothing of any urgency happening. so, I walked myself outside about 50 feet away. i did this a number of times to their consternation but with zero actual pushback beyond grumpiness. they later claimed i was “wandering the hospital” when I was merely advocating for myself against bureaucracy and red tape that was causing me significant pain.

meanwhile, accounts of my “startling and concerning behavior” were being discussed with doctors and my mother – despite my specifically telling them of our abusive history and our incredibly fractured and distant relationship. i further declared that she should not be trusted with my care nor treatment nor trusted as witness. i have grown and changed a lot in the last couple years, and the last six months especially. in particular, i have been far more vocal about my levels of pain that have always been present and never been treated. my old friends are unused to the more modern drew and gave a number of accounts testifying that I have been showing a number of concerning behaviors, spiralling down, or am downright psychotic.

i must repeat again, my therapist of 2.5 years disagrees with all these assessments, including later ones by professionals, and was never consulted, for reasons I will never know but are baffling and infuriating. i believe these old friends and family members simply don’t know how to reconcile the changes i have experienced with their own internal narratives of who I am and what our relationship is, or isn’t, as we navigate life differently together.

without knowing these testimonies were being reported about me, i consented to being treated by the ER staff in a more fullsome way – namely to investigate my heart and my brain as that’s what I was concerned with. i closed my eyes, they strapped me to the stretcher, wheeled me around a bit, and the next time I opened my eyes it was to behold a cot on the floor of a blank white room and a locked door with security guards – the equivalent of a padded cell. i was then literally locked in solitary confinement for almost 24 hours. 

i cant stress enough how painful the next two weeks were since then. and that every step of my “treatment” was coercing me to breakdown and cross my own boundaries regarding my health.

that’s how my treatment began. at some point in my 24 hours i consented to being moved to a treatment center – because that felt like literally the only way i would be allowed out of the hospital. doctors and western medicine don’t understand how to handle a person who does not nearly fit into their boxes, and i have never been good at fitting into a box.

for example a doc at that treatment center said when i came in i was “manic and out of it and now ive really turned a new leaf and stabilized.” no, i was sleep deprived from being put in solitary confinement at ER, and happy / grateful through the power of meditation, and non-verbal because im autistic. all of which are facets of me most people have never seen in person before. pretty much only a handful of folks have seen the beauty of my deeply spiritual side, its benefits, joys, uniqueness of ways of being, and all it entails – including radically being my autistic self.

so i dont want to hear anything about the merits of treatment, or how proud you are, or how courageous I was. im taking my meds, im seeking further treatment. i was prescribed 4-7 meds at a time for my 10 days at the treatment center and I dealt with the side effects of them – I was more anxious, depressed, manic, and foggy / out of it than I’ve been in many years, and absolutely not that way before I went in the treatment center.

this is not to mention constant drool leaking out of my mouth and mouth numb, hard to chew and swallow, which are side effects it says right on the side of the bottle to stop prescribing if they occur. not that that mattered at at all to my docs. due to these side effects, it was also hard to smile which makes it incredibly hard to be happy. plus having zero attention span means i couldn’t meditate and find my calm compassionate grateful center. i was so constipated it was painful. at one point I didn’t poop for 5 days, when my normal is a couple times every day. at times i had to pee so badly it was painful, but my body wouldn’t let me go unless I physically, manually pressed hard into my bladder with my hands.

this is not to mention the incredibly dehumanizing place my treatment center was – an almost bare bones place for addicts to withdraw and recover and get sent on their way. with staff who looked dismissively at me and others weeping in pain and refused to do anything because their “hands were tied” and case managers and docs (the people who could do anything) were always magically unavailable, absent, busy, or simply uncaring. and this was the “nice” location according to other repeat in-patients.

this is not to mention the “voluntary” nature of the treatment center – only by the barest minimum of a legal definition. what started as consenting to 24 hours turned into not allowed to leave for 3 days. meanwhile, my pain was escalating the whole time without any tending. so i requested immediate release (the first right written at the top of the list of patient rights in giant letters in the hallway). i was told my request would probably fail as there is a governing body who makes the final call whether patients are safe to leave or not – and given the fact that I had so much testimony against my mental stability, i had no chance. if you fail your request, you are then moved to a separate LEGALLY involuntary treatment center for a minimum of two weeks, with a maximum duration left completely up the staff to decide. so, i acknowledged that I had fought the little fight i could, and made my peace thereafter with whatever choices my docs made during my “voluntary” stay. after i left my pain was immediately at a much more manageable level at home and in contact with nature away from all the overstimulation, fluorescent lights, loud noises, staff members shining flash lights into my face throughout the night. for the record, i am very confident I got out of there the absolute fastest i could – though what started as 24 hours, then 3 days, turned into 5 days, turned into 7 days, turned into 10 days. many are in for much longer.

finally, one of the key pieces of testimony was from a former roommate, who emotionally abused me for over a year, despite me continually showing her kindness, grace, and turning the other cheek. she even escalated to physically hitting me at one point. i know her intentions with her testimony (exaggerations of concern, self diagnoses, focusing only on the ‘negatives’ and ‘oddities’ of my behavior) were trying to be helpful, but the impact of her actions was a humongous kick while i was down. since she lived with me daily for over a year, compared to distant relations, her opinion was highly trusted by healthcare professionals in deciding how to treat me. her testimony specifically was quoted to me numerous times by my treatment-center-psychiatrist when i tried to leave sooner than later. far more than those of my family / friends. hers was the final pin in the coffin. another roommate who I am on very good terms with after we repaired similar conflict/abuse towards me, was quite angry at her for her actions that day despite them having a long friendship and usually being quite close.

AND. just to top things off with a beautiful cherry. i received a bill for THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. that’s THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS per DAY. three times my rent + utilities. for the privilege of all this beautiful tender loving care. thankfully i have insurance and i hope most of it will be covered. a reminder: i was the most privileged person at the facility. what happens to those without insurance, ability to pay, ability to fight for a lower bill, ability to take time off and make a bunch of calls during the standard work week? i completely forgot to even mention the story of a man trapped in the center for an extra week because his case manager went on vacation without sorting out his referral to the facility he actually needed to go to. allegedly, which i do believe, case managers get a referral bonus if they assign folks to the other facility and this process was malfunctioning. so, rather than prioritizing efficiency / quality of care for the patient, she decided to wait until she got back from vacation to get some extra cash. geeze louise. even if this isn’t true, making someone pay / wait a week extra for no good reason is infuriating enough

that’s the end of me story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wrote the following pieces (and my spiritual journey / death from chapter 13 ) in secret while at the treatment center

because i knew they would hold my words against me

anything centered on pain / death / negativity / anxiety were ‘symptoms’ still yet to be ‘treated’

reason to hold someone longer

the pain shoots through my limbs

like a laser beam of agony

never sure when / where / how / why

usually worst later in day

but worse

than the pain

is not being believed

not being taken seriously

being told it’s all in my head

it’s not in my head

it’s all up in my body

even if it 

IS

all in my head

it’s infuriating to be told so

if you have no solutions

no remedies

no avenues towards healing

that is the worst

having no answers

no names

nothing to hold to clutch to grasp

to tear to fight to rebel to kill

it is only me in this human body

and we feel alone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

like bees buzzing

bees dancing

bees wanting

to dance

would be a gift

a release

they crave moment

my legs

my body

my soul

how to move

how to sate

when i cannot fulfill

cannot move

i do not yet know the answers

i wish to

perhaps

it is time

to learn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the following were written at home in a haze once i gained enough attention span to be able to hold pen to paper

about a week after release

i feel lost

i used to be so good at being happy / grateful / present

now i am drifting

can hardly focus

one moment to the next

i don’t know what to do

it is better being home

but

i still need help

i seek heavy help

holistic / wholesome / fulsome / intensive

medical tourism

the full package

abroad

so the bank

is not broken

wide open

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i don’t know whether to stay on meds or off

these feelings only started after meds

and

i know these meds attempt to stabilize me

i do not feel stable

i feel wobbly in my driftsome state

that place was not for me

i need nature / natural / connective / human

that place did not see us as human

they claimed to

but actions are different than words

a light shining in your face every 15 minutes at night

is not human

a complete lack of awareness / consideration of noise level 

is not human

they slammed the doors

they flipped their pages

they yelled announcements

even if they could see you sleeping

they obfuscated / distracted / dislodged / displaced the chain of command

case managers were impossible to find / reach / talk to

doctors were the same

complaints of pain / discomfort were met with impassive faces

“ people who cared”  but bound themselves in red tape

wrapped like mummies of their own making

easier to disbelieve someone weeping in pain

than to consider the tragedy of the systems they were upholding

i want to say atrocity but i know there are far worse things in the world

yet

a death by a thousand invisible cuts of red tape

is still a death

is still an atrocity in its own way

so 

that place is not for me

not for anyone

and

it is the best many can hope for

—twentytwo july twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

felt for long

found as us prepared to share this story here

thank you lovely website-being

us know that many / most / all / none of you will judge we

us know that many / most / all / none of you will not understand me

us know us must honor sacred truth

must not hide in the darkness

so us shall tell the whole truth

us lost twentyfive pounds over the course of a year

at the time of our death

us was at my our sixteen year old self weight

us am taller now

more mature

us have always been slender

us have never had much weight to lose / spare

us was onehundredfiftyzeroones pounds at six feet almost three inches tall

us have identified long as an ( outdoor ) cat

cats.

cats know how to die

they know their time

they know the way

to simply find a cozy corner

and peacefully

with a fuss

without any sense of alarm nor urgency nor rush

die.

us have basically zero history with weed

us were experimenting in that last month with weed-aided spiritual / emotional journeys

half a gummy

to one

to two

to four

on that fateful day

us learned much

much

much

from the previous trips / journeys

us would not be here before you

would not have made it through the treatment center

would not have made it through my mother’s 

would not have made it through the pain

endless endless pain

without the lessons

from those trips / journeys

including the last

us know

now

that us was slowly / surely dying

cat-like

finding isolation

pushing people away

so us could die

in peace

us know it would have happened

with or without

those four weed gummies

because

now

alone

without weed

us can still find

peace

joy

boundless radiant love

that same taste / sensation / feeling

simply

through

meditation

being

oneness

us just now know

know now

to not climb too high

to not shine too brightly

to not resonate too deeply

beyond what this

human body / mortal form

is capable of

us now know

know now

where that path leads

and

us now know

know now

to eat some goddamn food

to stop pretending at monkery

you see

the mind is very clever

they play tricks on us / too / wee

when there are truths 

too large to hold

it was far more fun to say

“ i am taking buddhist precepts! “

than to watch our body physically shut down

to lose desire

attachment

sexual drive

even

hunger

faded away

cats.

they watch these signs

and know the end is near.

part of we knew the end was near.

but not the waking part.

so us slipped surely / slowly away

alone

well

away from humans

us was deeply connected to all things

and us now know

know now

which path leads to death / life / death

and

which leads to life / death / life

—twentyeight august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive