content warning
thoughts on emotional processing
systemic erasure / oppression

intentions
be understood in the process / expression

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series
listening to death
8

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why do i write
why don’t i talk about my problems
a reminder
to self
yes
there are people out there
who will give me what i need
who will hold me
my pain
when i give it to them

but

for every one
are onehundrednotensnoones who won’t
who don’t know how
who too have been stripped of this wisdom by our deeply oppressive society
who remain part of the system
at no fault of their own

well

the system seeks to kill me
through invalidation of my struggles
my life
my pain
invalidation is deletion
erasure
i would like not to be deleted
erased
i am not yet strong enough to hold myself
against the onslaught of onehundrednotensnoones

emotionless
disconnective
distant
focus
bodies
actions
repulsed by a story
they didn’t realize they don’t have space to face

and

yet
i deserve help now
so i must protect myself
in my sharing
for now

fear not
i do not seek distance
i seek closeness
i am highly vulnerable
in all senses of the word
this must be acknowledged

and

navigated

or

i am responsible for the consequences
i must trust my process
as long as i am trusting my body
my heart
my universe
first
i will get what i need

one perfectly messy step at a time

—thirteen june twothousandtwentyfive