content warning
extreme feelings of pain
murderous / dangerous / evil intent
cosmic (in)significance

intentions
be seen / held / witnessed
share the process of moving through feelings
even if scary
especially if scary

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series
listening to tddeath
7

this is the only piece I feel worried you will judge me unfairly. unfortunately we don’t have the privilege of slowing down and talking in person, so I will offer some explanation instead.

i was writing up a whole long philosophical thingy about perception / reality / truth and while that is super interesting and I love talking about it (definitely ask me in person), it would not be vulnerable nor open nor honest of me.

so. to simplify. thoughts are just thoughts. even if they’re big and scary and society tells us they’re wrong or bad. no thought deserves shame or rebuke. anything “bad” is simply a part of us who has been hurt and needs love / compassion. these parts will tell us exactly what they need – even their stories – if we have space to slow down and listen with curiosity. download a free pdf that helped me immensely with specific steps how to do this

i try to love every bit of myself. this is how I heal, and how I can offer deeper compassion / healing to the world. by me expressing myself fully / vulnerably / openly / rawly here to you now, i grant you permission as well. permission to feel your big feelings and know you are no less than anyone else. no less lovable, no less worthy, no less valuable. certainly not any less than me :)

language shapes thought shapes words shapes action shapes habit shapes pattern shapes system (shapes language…). at any point in the process we can interrupt a negative cycle we find ourselves in and offer love instead. much love to you my friend :)

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i want to die
the pain is incredible
i want to kick to bite to yell to kill
i want to gouge eyes to rip tongues to peel the flesh back layer by layer
i want to burn to pillage to rape to disembowel
to watch the light leave your eyes and know you feel what i feel
to know i am not alone
to connect in joyous painful clarifying bliss

there is nothing but pain
no hope no love no wants no desires no dreams no future

what a gift
to hold so much agony
to know the exquisite taste of a vintage given to few

what a privilege
to hold so much of the human experience

i lie here on the carpeted floor
hardly able to breathe
hardly able to hold pen to paper

one eye sees death
the other
these slanty words appearing on the paper before me

it is all i / we / us can do
to let the truth of the universe flow through me

nothing matters
everything matters
we are but specks in an infinite cosmos
boundless infinite pain
this too shall pass
as the great cosmic speck of our inconceivably tiny universe disappears from existence
absorbed into the void of everything
dissolved into the sea of nothing
scattered to the great winds of north south east west

i am not alone
the universe is dying with me
every moment
losing itself
to the pain
losing itself
to my pain
my inconceivably tiny pain
it is nothing
there is nothing
and so we return to the truth of it all
the chocolate center of the tootsie pop
revealed only by the incessant unending abrasion of wet useless tongue after wet useless tongue

LOVE

to be seen is to be held
to be held is to
die
together
what more can we ask from this endless bountiful universe?

you will be gone too
tell share hold express be your love
¿ if not now, when ?
¿ if not you, who ?

you will be gone tomorrow
you will be gone in a moment
you have already gone

the you you know will never exist again
that collection of tiny bits and bobs we call
body limbs brain organs blood bones cells atoms bacteria sub atomic specks of infinite space
all those lil dudes
will never be together in just this way again

there is no you
there is no me
there is no i
there is only now

now
there
is
only
love

—june six twothousandtwentyfive