content warnings
non-judgmental, compassionate, curious discussions on gender, pronouns, sexuality
intentions
provide insight / simplicity to what can feel like a complicated / overwhelming topic
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What do I mean by They/She/He and non-binary?
Great question! Thanks for being curious enough to ask :) The short answer is these are the pronouns I like to be used for me, in order of preference. The following are entirely my own evolving opinions, please don’t consider it the final word and refer to the links for more nuanced information. The best way to know what someone else thinks is to ask them (if appropriate, and they might not want to talk about it).
(At the time of this writing) I identify primarily as “non-binary”, rather than as a man or woman. When referring to me in this way I prefer you to use the pronouns “they/them.” E.g.
- “Have you been to a discussion group with Drew? They make such a safe / cozy space.”
- “Drew really likes to talk, probably because they’re afraid of being ignored.”
- “Their overalls are way too colorful and ridiculous.”
- “I hate how friendly Drew is, I don’t want to hang out with them at all.”
- “Drew’s website has too many words; they’re clearly a bit full of themselves.”
I personally identify with a lot of things from the traditional experiences of both men and women (it’s part of what makes me a great coach) and don’t like to erase those feelings by going purely by “they/them” – so I also go by “she/her” or “he/him”. I like being a woman fighting for self advocacy, a man working to be more emotionally available, and a person trying to help the world be a better place.
Many other people who identify as non-binary (they/them) do not also identify as a woman (she/her), or a man (he/him), so please just listen to what they say and do your best.
I’m personally not really going to be upset by any pronouns used to refer to me as I believe the only person I can control in this world is myself, and I try to seek understanding and compassion by giving others the benefit of the doubt and seeing intent over action. Also, change takes time.
What do you mean by non-binary?
Another great question! I personally don’t believe in the gender binary of only man or woman. I’m certainly aware it exists as the normal default in society, but I don’t think it should be; I believe we all have lovely, unique personality traits and they all exist on a spectrum of human experience and there’s not really any beneficial reason to tie them specifically to one gender or another. I think it’s limiting and hurtful to box people in with labels and try my best to see people as individuals so I can meet them where they’re at.
We’ve all experienced the harm of being told to be something we are not, whether in a gendered sense or otherwise. At the end of the day for me this is just an extension of choosing to fight against concepts like:
- “girls can’t play sports”
- “boys shouldn’t cry” or “man up”
- “women should stay home”
- “it’s not manly to be artistic”
- “boys will be boys”
- “women shouldn’t vote”
- dads getting weird looks at the playground with their kids
- women paid less for equivalent work
- not being allowed to play with a toy you liked as a child because it was for “girls/boys”
- men being expected to sacrifice themselves for women and children
If you disagree with some of the above then maybe you don’t like the gender binary either.
They/Them doesn’t make grammatical sense to refer to one person it’s confusing.
Yeah it can be confusing, thankfully it gets easier with time. A lot of our language is based on context, and this may feel unfamiliar. But we’ve actually been using “they” to refer to a gender neutral singular person for hundreds of years – it’s just become popularized in a non-binary sense lately. I’m going to bold some very normal uses of singular they in the next section.
Saying They/Them is hard, why does it matter so much? Everyone seems so angry about pronouns.
Very fair, it IS hard to change something we’re not used to, especially when it doesn’t seem like it really matters. And it’s extra hard to do well when it feels like there’s a lot of pressure to get it right otherwise you’re a Bad Person (which in my opinion is pretty unkind towards you). So let me try to describe how it feels for me and others:
As a really straightforward example: if you’re a woman, imagine someone kept calling you a man and saying “he” to refer to you. Or if you’re a man, imagine someone kept calling you a woman and saying “she.” Feels kind of weird and strange – why are they doing that? Pretty annoying, right? And it only gets more annoying the more people who are getting it wrong.
To dig more into it, imagine a time where someone got your name wrong. Maybe you’re an Alexander that prefers Sandy, not Alex, not Alec, not Al. Or a Kathleen, definitely not Katie, Katy, Cathy, nor Kathy. Probably not going to ruin your day, but it’s certainly nicer to be called what you prefer. Maybe you correct them, maybe you don’t. Probably depends who it is in your life. Random stranger you’re never going to see again? Whatever. Your coworker? That’d be nice. Your friend? Holy crap dude stop being annoying!!
What if it’s someone you’re intimidated by, like the CEO at work? Or a place you don’t feel comfortable, like at the front of a room full of people?
What if you don’t mention it and they get it wrong for a year? When do you tell them?
How would it feel if you kept asking them, and they kept getting it wrong? What if they really can’t do it because of their accent? What if they keep forgetting no matter how many times you ask? What if they know your name but keep playing it off like a joke?
What if this type of thing happened with almost every single person you met? Even if unintentional? “Well, it’s not a huge deal, I’ll get over it.” You’re right, you probably will. But wouldn’t it feel so much nicer if they listened and got it right the first try? Or at least tried their best?
Those are some of the feelings. Whether you had particularly strong reactions or not, they are all valid. So I understand some people getting angry about it, especially because it’s probably an identity and topic they care a lot about; I try to be as patient and compassionate as I can, and assume they are too.
I feel embarrassed if/when I get it wrong, what do I do?
Be brave, I get pronouns wrong too! I try to quickly correct myself out loud and move on. Honestly sometimes I really suck at getting pronouns right, but this helps build the habit in my brain and shows that I’m trying (because I am). It takes time and that is normal. I believe most people in this world are extraordinarily more patient with people who are trying, compared to those who are not – about any topic not just pronouns! :)
Sometimes in my head afterwards I will picture the person’s face and say their name and pronouns three times to help cement the habit. I still struggle. If I have the time I’ll try to do examples of their name and pronouns in a sentence or two (like my bullets way at the beginning) so it’s a little more realistic for my brain.
There is often an impulse to apologize and check in when we get it wrong, but this is now shining a spotlight on something that is otherwise mundane, and gives the other person more work to do when they’ve done nothing wrong. If your neighbor was opening up to you about their mom’s funeral and you called their dog the “goodest girl” instead of the “goodest boy,” would you stop the entire conversation to deeply apologize and make sure they knew how important it was to you that you gendered their dog correctly? (in this fearful modern age, maybe yes, ha. But you get the point)
Good intentions but kinda weird result. Just correct and move on, let your actions speak for themselves over time. To be human is to make mistakes.
This is all so interesting! How can I be more inclusive of people who identify with these issues?
Wow that’s so cool! Just checking in – I don’t want you at all to feel like you “have to” be more inclusive or you’re “bad” if you don’t; we all only have so much space in our lives and can only pick so many battles to fight and there is absolutely no shame in that. We live in tough times.
And – if this all resonated with you and you’re excited to learn more, well I’m happy to share :) But I’m no expert!! I just like to think a lot about these things, if you couldn’t tell, tehe. Here’s some quick options:
Share your pronouns with people, even if/especially if there aren’t any “obvious” people you’re trying to be inclusive of. “I go by she/her, what are your pronouns?” The more we get used to sharing pronouns with each other the easier it gets! It will probably feel a little weird at first, though if we try to do it all the time then we won’t feel as awkward trying to do it the first time when it “matters.” And, big AND, it lightens the burden of constantly bringing up pronouns from the people who are more affected by them.
Use more gender neutral words instead of gendered. Things like “hey guys” or “fireman” are needlessly (maybe even harmfully) gendered. My absolute favorite alternatives are “y’all” and “folks.” If the gender doesn’t matter to the context (and usually it doesn’t), why not try things like: everyone, person, parent, sibling, partner/significant other, child/kid/kiddo, esteemed guests.
Model positive behavior. People get real weird when we correct them on things, not just pronoun stuff. Someone messes up? Try just saying a sentence using the person’s preferred pronouns and assume they’re doing their best, as you’re doing your best :) We humans learn a lot more from observing than nit-picking each other, just like babies do.
Ask important folks in your lives if/how they’d like to be supported. And follow through if they say yes! As a coach I always say “focus on one thing at a time;” I find it easier to focus on the people I care about instead of trying to ask a bunch of acquaintances, coworkers, etc. and suddenly feeling overwhelmed trying to remember the intricacies of 20 people’s support systems – and ashamed of myself for continuously getting them all mixed up and wrong. Baby steps!
If you want more I recommend a google. I also read this lovely article on Gender Neutral Terms. I’ll admit to being surprised at such a nuanced, compassionate take from the source (basically tinder app for gay men) – there I go being judgmental, I love being surprised and learning something new!
What’s the difference between gender and sex and sexual orientation?
I am absolutely loving this conversation we’re having, thanks for asking! Don’t feel like you have to know everything, just keep learning. To simplify a complicated topic:
Sex: what genitalia you are born with. Male, female, or intersex (a rare combination of both). A more inclusive way of referring to M/F sex is saying AMAB/AFAB (Assigned Male/Female At Birth)
Gender: who you see when you look inside yourself and how you present to the world. Much much more complex than sex as it is about cultural norms rather than biology. Man, woman, non-binary, trans (someone whose gender does not align with their birth sex, e.g. a transwoman), and so so many more. “Cisgender” means your birth sex and gender match
Sexual orientation: who you love romantically, emotionally, sexually. The gender you are, in relation to which gender you’re attracted to. Straight (attracted to the opposite gender), gay/lesbian (same genders), bi (opposite and same genders), pansexual (who cares what the genders are), queer (umbrella term for “not straight”, but used to a very charged, hurtful word), asexual (still experience love but not in a sexual way), and also so so many more
Thanks for reading! Much love. Feel very free to share, I wrote this in a public place on purpose :)
ʔuʔušəbicid čəd
drew 💚🙏
she/they/he (amab)
P.S. As of February 2025, I would appreciate more feminine validation in my life so I prefer you use “she” and “her” pronouns to refer to me. “She creates art.” “Her name is Drew.” For the sake of transparency, I was Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB).
P.S.S. My understanding of these concepts and my identity has deepened into further complexity over time, as a natural and healthy result of me sharing my knowledge. But I won’t say anymore here so I don’t inhibit anyone else’s place in the journey. One thing at a time :)
if on mobile, click here to skip to “more-info”
UPDATES
9/8/25
- removed “she/they/he” from beginning to honor my gender journey, reduce complexity / overload, and make the piece more unified for a wider / more generic audience
- changed initial “they/them” examples away from pickleball references
8/23/25
- migrated from pickleballdrew.wordpress.com to here
- removed few references to pickleball
- added links to genderbread article
3/30/25
- added AMAB identity at beginning for transparency
- added AMAB/AFAB definitions in “what’s the difference?” section
- added lushootseed in closing
- added P.S.
- removed original date
2/20/2025
- changed to she/they/he to make it even more obvious
- added intro sentence explaining current stance
- “no sorries in pickleball” link at end of “I feel embarrassed” section
- changed “quick and dirty” to “quick” in “inclusive” section
2/2/2025
- changed order of preferred pronouns from they/he/she to they/she/he as it would feel nice to be more often affirmed as a woman rather than folks defaulting to man
12/25/2024
- added resource links from Schitt’s Creek
7/9/2024
- tweaked some language that was a bit shaming in the “I feel embarrassed…” section
- added section “how can I be more inclusive…”
3/13/2024
- original piece
I WANT TO KNOW MORE
Honest and curious questions are always welcome :) I won’t always have time but I generally enjoy talking about this kind of thing – and bear in mind I’m not perfect and don’t have all the answers!
Here’s some links with more info:
lovely “genderbread” person article
the best guide on gender pronouns I’ve seen (UWM)
Explanation of Sex and Gender Identity
Merriam Webster list of definitions: Gender, Sex, Orientation, and many more
Examples of Gender Stereotypes
The Harm of Gender Stereotyping in Childhood
Gender Neutral Terms
(e.g. y’all, folks, people, parent)
Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, Ep. 11:
If you or someone you know is struggling with coming out around sexual orientation or gender identity, visit these sites:
Healing Drew 