content warning
this is just fun yo

intentions
share my creation
share my process
be seen
inspire :)

tone
open / honest / plain
frank / direct / sincere
fun / silly / loving

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skip to downloadable pdfs at the end

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a brief intro

this is a subclass for the Artificer class in the tabletop roleplaying game, Dungeons and Dragons (D&D 5e). if you don’t know what any of that is, just look at the pretty pictures, read the pretty words, ignore the really confusing bits, and appreciate it took a super long time and that there’s people out there that are super amped about this kind of thing

if you do know what all that is, i still advise to ignore the really confusing bits unless you’re seriously considering using this. in which case REACH OUT.

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a long intro

I made this as a birthday present for a dear, dear friend about five years ago. I don’t know how long it took nor over what period of time though my memory is that there was a period of consistent, often frenzied, activity over the course of 3-6 months. The completion date was November 5th, 2020 – his birthday. My oldest file for this project was created April 2019 (a giant spreadsheet), and I believe the intensity ramped up around April 2020 (the creation date of a graphic design file for the logo). This was a process of much care, deliberation, slowness, and love. Over the months / years I carefully asked questions about his favorite video games, crafting mechanics, atmosphere, etc. with much much time in between so as not to provoke any suspicion about my motives / project. 

I have no concept of how many hours I devoted. At least 50. Possibly 100. Probably many more, including all the mulling over in the space of my days and dreams. Wow, definitely above 100. I often spent hours at the computer, for many days in a row. It seems accurate now to say there were 100 hours devoted in the last month or two alone. 

Was it all an efficient use of my time? Certainly not. Was it all HIGH PRODUCTIVITY ALL OCTANES ENGAGED? Certainly not. But they were all hours of love, from anxious to grounded, passionate to apathetic, and all in between. Consistency has always been my forte, for better and for worse. Love is simply showing up, time and time again, in ways that serve the whole.

This beautiful project was both an escape and a release from the woes of a world deep in the midst of a pandemic, not to mention the bleakness of the personal world I so consistently inhabited within the confines of my mind.

Looking back at this project for the first time in some years has been an experience of delight, fondness, awe, joy, laughter, confoundment, and every now again a little bit of judgment when I see a phrase that might flow better with a comma, or I notice a pixel out of place. But, for the very most largelyness, there is much love in my eyes at a pursuit well done, an activity in which the means were always the ends.

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another brief intro

i pretty much wrote this <<retrospect>> in one sitting employing the writing style i have always defaulted to and been most tickled by – a casual / familiar / open / inclusive / inviting stream of consciousness rambling way that meanders / speaks loudly in my voice through the page / grants you+me+everyone permission to be our best silliest uninhibitedest selves

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the creative process / medium

these are memories off hand. i feel no need to dive deep back into my creative process as simply glancing at a section / page / element brings back enough fresh memories to understand a ninetyzeroones percent gist of the shape

i acknowledge i went full obsessive perfectionist mode to an unhealthy degree

i am not a hand / analog / traditional artist, or at least hadn’t begun that journey at the time. i would describe myself as a <<highly detail oriented collager>> ¿ collagist ? (which is very much an artist, though i wouldn’t have said so at the time. more on that later)

i researched for images all over the internet to find ones that were *chef’s kiss*

i synced up with his then-boyfriend who made the drawings of jars/botanicals. THAT was a process in and of itself – with much affection, somehow working with one zany gay vaguely toxic ADHD people pleasing artist was like herding an entire corral of cats at once. and i am deeply grateful as his contributions really breathed life into the pages

all of the watercolor fade type stuff are reference images from other people that i tweaked and adjusted just so. i was lucky enough to find compilations from other people’s hard work, which i then layered over each other to suit my aesthetic fancy

in GIMP (a free, open source version of photoshop) i recreated / tweaked the page borders from Xanathar’s Guide to Everything (a popular, official D&D source book) as the only background image i could find would not scale properly. this involved much zooming and moving and clicking pixel by pixel until i was satisfied with the result <<when held at a distance that wasn’t that far away but definitely wasn’t close enough to scrutinize because i can definitely still see the smudges>>

countless hours were spent tweaking small details in the tool this was compiled in – GMBinder, half code half styling half layout half organizer for creating roleplaying game content – to get things just right. page numbers / alignment / columns / headings / lines / subtitles / lines / bullets / you name it i put my hands on it. formatting / tables / OH GOD I FORGOT THE TABLES PLEASE GOD DON’T MAKE ME DO THE TABLES AGAIN

i also <<hand>> designed the triangle logo on the front page (simple though highly intentional and symbolic) using Google Drawings because im overly attached to google products and am clearly a masochist. or more accurately – i stick with what i know. i am positive i also did back of the napkin style sketches by hand though these are lost to time. i remember painstakingly adjusting pixel by pixel on the borders and endless tinkering with fade/shading

while then-boyfriend-artist created all the individual bottles and baubles and colored the bright ones, i did all the layout / arranging as well as the gentle yellowing of the clear images to make them pop

all the writing is of course my own. i poured over official D&D source books to use precisely their language / formatting / style to as closely resemble canon as possible – while leaning into the creative expanse of my mind AND honoring the deep friendship

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reflection

the goal was to dazzle and delight and i succeeded in spades :) 

it is as much a love letter to my perspective on life as it is to our relationship. <<can’t separate the art from the artist>> and all that. a love letter to myself created in just the right way so as to serve my friend’s fancies.

is it balanced? no idea. i definitely tried *very hard* to consider things that could be game breaking or not, from both a dungeon master and a player’s standpoint.

OH DEAR GOD I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE MATH TO TRY AND BALANCE IT WITH OTHER SPELL CASTERS AND SUBCLASSES.

suffice to say, if you’ve got criticism to offer or deep intricate nuanced perspectives that are deeply insightful and deeply unsolicited about why it’s not balanced, leave it in the comments

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things im most proud of

consistent effort / time / attention

gender inclusivity (usage of “they/them” pronouns long before i personally used them)

inclusive positive lens on disability in “The Shape of Your Journey”

the immaculate vibes

the awesome feats

the opening examples of who an apothecary may look like

an absolute fuckton of math / numbers / organization / TABLES *shakes fist at air*

DM Guide to help usher the spirit of the class

the required cooperation of DM/player

inclusive accessible options to reduce overwhelm/complexity

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more reflection

i never posted it anywhere publicly at the time. 

at the time. i would have said “i don’t need to share this, it’s just for you my friend. people that post publicly are just attention seekers (and i’m better than them).” despite the fact that i clearly made it with a larger scope in mind than just my friend considering the amount of inclusivity / accommodation / balancing i attempted. at the time. that was part of the gift – a whole package of thoroughness that’s extra special because im giving it to only you. and that is true. and also.

now i understand this behavior was actually stemming from the simultaneous fears of <<being seen / witnessed>> and <<criticism / being found wanting>>

namely – afraid of not getting the attention i felt it deserved in order to feel valid in my work vs. the healthier / more groundeder / maturer sense of feeling comfortable enough in my own skin and my creation that i do not require external validation to feel assured

we love baby drew. baby drew was going through a lot and needed so so much. i speak now from the distinct moral authority of having evolved to the point of toddler drew, who still needs a lot of so so much but also is starting to learn how to say <<no>> and <<boundaries>>

short version: negative feedback would have felt too crushing for this poor weary soul in the throes of deep / long / severe depression

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slightly more reflection

at the time. i wouldn’t have identified as an artist. i certainly created things. i certainly have always had an artist’s heart and a philosopher’s mind and a monk’s soul. but those were words for people with training and degrees and a certain <<je ne sais quois>> about them with their fine tools and pursuit of traditional crafts like drawing / painting / pottery / digital design / any medium they desired because they weren’t me and they’re super cool and definitely an artist because they’re worthy of love but i am very *clearly* not. (this is past drew talking, don’t get too worried about me. well. worry. but about all my other crapola, not this particular topic)

i also have always been incredibly humble about my talents / life / adventures / creations. i greatly admire this about myself. and. i now acknowledge i probably (definitely) tipped the scales from <<humble>> into <<completely denouncing any credit or self advocacy>> because, to repeat, baby drew was just really really in need of so many hugs and praise and wasn’t getting them and clearly didn’t deserve to be seen for the awesome person they’ve always been (past drew again)

so now we’re sharing loud and proud in so many walks of life and overall it’s been going great. DEFINITELY SOME BUMPS. and that’s great. means we’re learning and living and growing :) 

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thanks

thanks! thanks for reading. here’s to cherishing one another. here’s to the necessarily messy process of creation / life / love.

here’s to you, best friend.

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