content warning
reflections on pain
emotional difficulty
hard lessons

intentions
be witnessed
share my story
describe how these drastic changes / realizations / difficulties came to pass

tone
open / honest / plain
frank / direct / sincere
curious
grateful

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series
listenintd-g to death
3

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i was walking through the forest near my house sunday morning
six april twothousandtwentyfive
as i often do
tending / listening / being

on the way home the following happened
i wrote it down afterwards in the way that felt most true
[i have added very very few clarifying details]

1. the dirty bundle of string called
a question arose
“would you like to come home?”
yes

this human body picked up the string and began unwinding

gently
slowly
without rush

we held each other in one hand
and
we held pain in another

the string said many things
or
perhaps thoughts arose in response to speaking the language of touch with string

the spirit that passes through this human body said the answer lay at the end
a thought arose
“i haven’t even asked a question”
a question arose
“how am i supposed to untangle this string if i’m winding it around one of my hands?”

the spirit that passes through this human body said
it was not only possible to untangle the string without a hand
but
duty / power / responsibility / necessary

sometimes they spoke reminders

at first this human body walked / unwound
then pain arose
and
tree friend cedar called

this human body sat at their base / continued

2. words the string spoke as i unwound them from their matted lump
(words the string spoke as they unwound me from my matted lump)

letting go does not need to be painful
nothing needs to be painful
if there is a snag / pain – slow down – stop
no one will slow down if you do not voice your pain
many times the tangles will unfold easily / all at once – when held / moved / guided at the right pace

this human body is afraid of not having pain as the weight of such bottomless joy would almost be too much to bear

focusing on oneself / the task at hand is the only thing we can do
the process of unwinding / untangling is also one of cleansing
it will take time
sometimes one must back up / ask for help / hold it all at once
there will be bumps / bruises along the way
what is important is we get back up – use that as an opportunity to learn
it gets easier as you go / as you learn / as there is less / less / less

there will come a day when suddenly it is gone
trust yourself completely
you know how to move in the world
it is enough to say / know “that is (not) how that works”
you are strong enough to go slow everywhere / all the time / with everyone
only your boundaries / your way – “i don’t talk when others are” – “i don’t talk until i reflect back first”

THE END OF THE STRING SLIPPED OUT OF MY HAND
suddenly it was gone / done / over
no more mess / pain / tangle
the answer rang clear as a bell
no more pickleball
[my main livelihood]

3. the end
tears
sadness
reckoning
holding
confusion
worry
fear
weeping

no more pickleball
no more biking
no more running
no more guitar

planning
hope
difficulty
love

a holistic health care team
massage
acupuncture
physical therapy
mental therapy
nutritionist
reiki / energy / sound
herbalist
autism advocate
organizer

the universe has laid the path down
all i must do is follow it
i am grateful to listen

life is good

[the next morning i woke up and couldn’t walk without excruciating pain]

–six april twothousandtwentyfive