content warning
heavy
impact statement from
emotional abuse
sexual assault
gaslighting / manipulation
no specific details
long list of symptoms

intentions
be seen
healing love / forgiveness

tone
open / honest / plain
frank / direct / sincere
loving
grateful

My Sexual Assault

I was emotionally abused, severely gaslit / manipulated, and sexually assaulted in a relationship in Fall 2024. I am intentionally using gender neutral pronouns (they, their, them, etc.) and referring to them as “this person” to not reveal anything about their identity. I know it likely my abuser will eventually read this. I still cross paths with them occasionally.

thursday fifteen may twothousandtwentyfive marked the first time i had a dream of them that was normal / pleasant

it took almost one year to the day to work through the harm i experienced – and i had so so so much more time / space / energy to work through these feelings than someone working full time or with children and/or other obligations

Love Letter

Darling,

I care deeply for your safety. I will never out you. I will never tell anyone we had a connection. You deserve to tell your story completely on your terms, at your pace, with the people of your choosing.

I only use these labels to help others understand my story, to see my pain and to hold me and support me as I suffer, because I deserve help. You taught me that. I love you and see you more completely now than ever. I know it was not your intention. I know you were trying your best. The fault is mine for not standing up for myself, for trusting you with far too much of myself, and blaming you for failing at impossible tasks that were mine alone to hold.

I am sorry for judging you. I am sorry for breaking your trust. I am sorry for not keeping you safe. I am sorry for not cherishing you as you cherished me. I am sorry for assuming the worst in you. I am sorry for not taking care of myself.

Thank you for the many many lessons you taught me, and continue to teach me in reflection. I am still learning from you every day. Your sweet laugh, easy generosity, and ferocious intelligence shall forever hold a place in my heart alongside many other fond memories. Tell me my sins and I will atone for them. Send me all the rage in your heart and I will weep with you. I do not seek justice, I do not seek retribution nor repair. I seek nothing from you and need nothing from you. My feelings are my responsibility. You taught me that, and I am grateful.

I remain open and hopeful for our future. From one little bird to another, here’s to singing and dancing, and to the unknown. No expectations.

Love you, always.

Impact

By the time the relationship ended I was far more…

• isolated from my (very few) support systems
• disconnected from friends
• disconnected from my Self
• disinterested in my hobbies
• unsure of my rights/wrongs, beliefs, boundaries, convictions
• critical of myself and supportive of them
• triggered, anxious, fearful, depressed, desolate, lonely, worthless, angry, unloveable
• focused on others than myself
• unhealthy in mind, body, and spirit

Prolonged, consistent behaviors as a result:

• suicidal for the first time in my life
• nightmares / stress dreams
• going to bed and waking up in fear
• very poor sleep
• paranoia
• flashbacks
• rumination
• unable to speak for over a month
• disassociation
• waves of pain uncontrollably coursing through my body as I relived the experiences; convulsions
• nausea, difficulty eating and tending to base needs
• lost 25 lbs (175 to 150 as a 1,90 mètre male bodied human)
• heart pounding and racing and pulsing through my body
• picking fights and harming personal and professional relationships
• living in the slick sweaty smell of fear
• I hear their voice and feel their actions move through my body, causing harms I never have before
• highly triggered from
  • i.e. feeling a lance of fear shoot through my brain, wash through my body, and I always always mourn the consequences of my actions if I continue to engage with people
  • all text communication, doubly so for anything negative
  • thinking about them, seeing their face
  • perceived rejection
  • criticism / unsolicited feedback
  • physical touch
• my genitals still smell like them

That is all that feels productive to share so you may see my pain and offer support. I will not speak any more to the details of our shared story as those are for us to resolve if we ever choose to repair. I will not speak ill of someone who does not have a voice in this space. I do not blame them, I do not fault them, I hold no ill will against them. Hurt people hurt people; I have hurt many people in my life, including this person.

–february twothousandtwentyfive

Resources

I called the Domestic Violence Hopeline
206-737-0242, available 24/7
super super kind / helpful / supportive / informative

Here is a website with a TON of options
https://sigmapsizeta.org/washington-sexual-assault/

a list curated from chatGPT (online artificial intelligence)

📞 24/7 Crisis Support

• King County Sexual Assault Resource Center (KCSARC)
  Offers free, confidential support 24/7 via their Resource Line: 888.998.6423. Services include crisis intervention, legal advocacy, therapy, and support for both adults and children
  
• National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN)
  Available nationwide at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). Provides confidential support and connects callers to local resources
  

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🏥 Medical Care & Forensic Exams

Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) exams are available at several hospitals in Seattle. These exams are free and can be conducted without the immediate involvement of law enforcement. Evidence collected is stored in case you choose to report later. (Livewell, KCSARC)

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🗂️ Advocacy & Reporting Tools

• Seattle Human Services – Sexual Assault Victim Advocates
  Provides comprehensive advocacy for survivors over the age of 18 once a police report is made in Seattle. Services include safety planning, court accompaniment, and assistance navigating the criminal justice system
  
• Seek Then Speak
  An online tool that allows survivors to explore options, connect with local resources, and begin the process of reporting their assault. The tool includes a self-guided interview that can be submitted to the Seattle Police Department
  

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UPDATES

may 2025

• i had the courage to post this after finally realizing they had made it very clear they didn’t have space for me and i was doing myself a disservice by imagining otherwise
• this is the third or fourth variation of a letter i had intended to send them – which previously still had tendrils of blame / attachment / expectation – and the third or fourth evolution of my own feelings processed towards them

summer 2025

• at some point over the summer i realized that if i ever truly wanted to repair with them, this post would hinder that process. forgiveness is a thing done silently without need for announcement, and this post would not be interpreted in the spirit this post deserves
• another way to put it – this is far too much information to process for any one person and would create distance, not closeness

october 2025

• as befits the mysterious ways of the universe, two days after i resolved the very last teeny tiny vestiges of clinging attachment to this person, they reached out to me for the first time since our end
• i took down this post and we briefly reconnected
• they demonstrated a desire to take accountability and i was able to begin painting the shape of the immense harm i experienced – without fault and without over sharing / burdening / attaching
• for other reasons, they chose to disconnect and we parted amicably
• the painting may now continue to take shape here – in the slim eventuality they find their way to this post and read these words

twentyseven december twothousandtwentyfive

• correction for clarity: “lost 15-25lbs (i’m already quite slender)” changed to “lost 25 lbs (175 to 150 as a 1,90 mètre male bodied human)”
• wrote up this UPDATES section