content warning
heavy
physical pain
emotional pain
extended pain
reference to childhood abuse
no specific details

intentions
begin to clarify what is going on with my body
reminders of awesomeness

tone
open / honest / plain
frank / direct / sincere
grateful

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

series
listening to death
2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my first post was far too vulnerable / unprocessed / unresolved / recent
it took me much time to ground / untrigger myself from my oversharing
i am leaving it stand as a testament to lessons learned
lessons i already knew
and
seems i had to learn again

i feel called to clarify
for my benefit
and
yours

i am doing the best i have ever been
my life is great
in the long view
i have never been better
even if there are slumps / setbacks / bumps
i am on the healing journey
it is very painful
because
i have space to hold it
finally

my healthcare team is being built
well
slowly
surely

more of my story / history / explanations will be shared over time
as it becomes less vulnerable
as my needs are more fulfilled

for now
i offer
a brief explanation

i now know i have genetic conditions that require much attention
the connection to my body was severed at a young age
inability to feel most pain meant i could not be aware of how harmful the rigors of a normal life are to my body
and
i have had a very active lifestyle
too
these harms piled up over much time
now that i have more emotional grounding / bandwidth / stability / resources / tools
i can hear my body
and
begin nurturing these wounds
and
begin meeting my body’s particular needs
so
life is great :)

i like to share myself with the world
i do not like to talk about my problems
the more i talk about them the more difficult they are to bear
focusing on the many positives in my life helps me manage my difficulties with grace
writing provides me the space to share
exactly how i want
exactly when i want
exactly what i want
exactly who i want … to…
exactly who is interested…
exactly to who is interested
to exactly who i want
¿ whom ?
ugh
screw you grammar rules
rhythm is more important
you get it
friends

so
please
simply see me
know that if i cannot speak out loud
it is because i am rendered speechless by my pain
know i am holding it with joy / grace / gratitude / authenticity
laughter is my medicine
know me for my bountiful joy / strength / love
not
in spite of
my struggles
but
because of
my struggles

offer me love / praise / gentleness / praise / strength / praise
tell me you read my story
and
how you feel
and
how i have positively impacted your life
pain is not meant to be born alone
i will share more of my load when i can

–twentynine april twothousandtwentyfive