content warning
heavy
physical pain
emotional pain
extended pain
deep realization
no specific details
no trauma dumping here :)

intentions
allow myself to be witnessed
reduce the burden of time / effort / attention
it is very difficult to explain over / over / over

tone
open / honest / plain
frank / direct / sincere
grateful

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series
listening to death
1

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i will be sharing more as we go
this is enough to start
this is enough to end

i have had a very difficult life
it may not look like it
it probably does not look like it
it may look like i have a life of ease / abundance / privilege
i do
and
i do not
i have lived a long / long / long life
i have faced much unseen discrimination / prejudice / violence
i have many chronic / acute health issues
push finally came to shove
i am very grateful i am still mostly physically able
i am very grateful i was able to listen to my body before it got worse

monday april seventh twothousandtwentyfive
i wokeup unable to walk without extreme pain
i have since realized i have never been able to walk without extreme pain
i did not realize how much pain i was in
it was like someone plugged my spine in for the first time
now i know what legs feel like
¿ you know the feeling when your legs fall asleep ?
it is very painful
they do not really feel like they are there
but
you can still walk on them
with difficulty
with care
that is what my legs feel like
that is what my legs have always felt like
i did not know my legs were asleep this whole time
now i know
now i am listening

nothing has changed
everything has changed
my physical ability is what it always has been
my pain is what is always has been
i am simply aware
awareness is the first step to change
i cannot / willnot / maynot continue as i was
before i was aware

i am grateful i was able to listen before i ended up in a wheelchair
i am grateful for the gentle lessons a ball of twine from the forest taught me
i am very grateful to have space to move through it with grace
i am excited to use this opportunity to slow down and take care of myself
i am excited to know my value / worth / strengths
i am excited to be building a holistic care team around me
i am excited to be the center of the village required to raise a child
i am grateful for the dots the universe has allowed me to connect

this is not to make light of my difficulty
this is not to make light of my need for help
much has become clear to me
much will continue to become clear with more time / space

i have always been ready to laugh
i have always been ready to smile
i have always been ready to intensely focus on a task at hand
i have always been ready to listen to folks’ pain / struggle / story
i did not realize it was because it was my body’s way of coping
i did not realize it was because it was my body’s way of distracting
i did not realize i had difficulties i did not yet have space to focus on

it was like my legs were shouting from deep below water
tiny bubbles were all that reached the surface
confusing / disconnected / vague / disembodied sensations
constant
unable to be understood
drowning out all other signals

i have always had headaches
i have always had fatigue / poor sleep
i have always had high pain tolerance
i have always had difficulty eating enough / putting on weight
i did not realize others have words for these things / many more
nausea / migraines / disassociation / hypervigilance / disembodied
i did not realize lying down in the dark / quiet / peace was an option
i did not realize living in fear / pain / difficulty was not necessary

i did not realize i have always been delirious in pain
i did not realize i have lived my whole life at an eight out of ten on the scale
sometimes a little less
sometimes a ten
i did not know a life without pain was a possibility
until
sunday april sixth twothousandtwentyfive

now i do
now i am listening
now that i am listening
i can hear the messages for what they are
now that i hear them
i can heal them
and
i can hear other messages too
joy / happiness / love / connection / worth / value / ways / beings

it will take much much work
i am scared
i am not scared of the work
i am scared of the rest of the pain hiding in my body
i am scared of the rest of my spine waiting to be plugged in
i am not scared of losing even more physical ability
i am scared of not knowing how to cope
i am scared of not knowing how to heal
i am not scared of death
i am scared of not trusting my body
i must trust my body

i trust my body
i am grateful to be on the healing path
gratitude is my painkiller / salve / journey / savior
you are my magic
i love you
deeply / unconditionally / always

if you would like to give me some high quality love
hold your feelings inside until you next see me
cherish them
cherish me
sit on your urge to quickly text / email / call
i like to connect in person best
ask if i have space to receive love
and
tell me you read my story
and
love me in whatever way feels authentic to you

—april twenty twothousandtwentyfive